JANUARY… UGH… IF I’VE EVER FELT FORCED TO DO SOMETHING… ITS THIS WEEKEND!

The box office has been a big terd basket as of late, and this week… nothing changes!

  1. RESIDENT EVIL: THE FINAL CHAPTER

So here we have the 5th… :::checks IMDB::: :::smh in disbelief::: excuse me, 6th and supposedly final film of the Resident Evil franchise.  Considering it spawned a film and 5 sequels, I believe it should technically be the best video game film of all time, but no one ever brings it up in that conversation because these films are largely rubbish.  That opening joke I wrote… sincere! I literally did not know what number movie this was because I could NOT pay attention after 3 anymore.

2. A DOG’S PURPOSE

“Every dog happens for a reason”… If something sappier than this comes out this year… I quit.  So, let me get this straight… Josh Gad voices the soul of this dog through his different lives as he seeks to find purpose on earth.  It’s like someone watch Quantum Leap and then saw Homeward Bound and had a shitty light bulb cut on in their head! And if you don’t know what those references are, you can get out!

3. GOLD

This looks very sort of Wolf of Wall Street.  Indulgence in the grandest since, then pitfalls as you fly too close to the sun.  What scare me is that I only heard about this movie like a week ago… add to that, it was originally slated for a Christmas 2016 release. What does the studio know that we don’t? Why the limited exposure and why the push back into January, aka the box office toilet bowl?

MY VOTE: RESIDENT EVIL

I am genuinely more interested in GOLD but I think Resident Evil will take the weekend.  To be perfectly clear… IF I had to see a new movie for sake of this blogging thing, it would be Resident Evil.  I’d want to watch it crash and burn and never return.  For personal enjoyment, I’d watch GOLD.  For no one’s enjoyment, A Dog’s Purpose.  Also, if you want to see the puppy movie, be careful.  Video or images surfaced of one of the dogs getting less than positive treatment  so PETA and the Humane Society are ready to put hands on any fool that supports this film. Resident Evil gets:

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The Reluctant Stamp of Requirement!

P.S. – If you REALLY want to have a good time in theaters, not that Oscars have been announced, all those Academy front-runners are re-opening on more screens.  That this time to catch La La Land, or Moonlight, or whatever… just don’t subject yourself to the kick in the balls that is January! After all.. we are almost free!!!

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