LAST WEEK: EVERYTHING WAS TRASH AND THE BOX OFFICE AGREED!
I think Hidden Figures won the weekend again while everything else limped out the starting gates like a wounded dog… but that was last week… let’s look ahead!
#1 – xXx 3: RETURN OF XANDER CAGE
THE MOST ANTICIPATED FILM… of 2008… Seriously, who was sitting around like… damn, I wish I knew the rest of the Xander Cage story! Regardless of timing or… commonsense, here we are. Vin Diesel returns as Xander Cage in a race against time to recover a sinister weapon known as Pandora’s Box, a device that controls every military satellite in the world (WHY TF WOULD SUCH A THING EVER EXIST?!… BUT WHATEVER… trying to make since of a Vin Diesel movie is what killed the dinosaurs). Recruiting a new group of thrill-seeking cohorts, Xander finds himself entangled in a deadly conspiracy that points to collusion at the highest levels of government. So… Suicide Squad playing Tony Hawk… got it!
2. THE FOUNDER
If Michael Keaton isn’t one of your favorite people, you can go suck an watermelon through a water hose. This trailer makes my skin crawl because of the level of sleaze that man is able to ooze on film. Keaton stars as Ray Kroc, a struggling salesman from Illinois, that met Mac (John Carroll Lynch) and Dick McDonald (Nick Offerman), who were running a burger operation in 1950s Southern California. Kroc was impressed by the brothers’ speedy system of making the food and saw franchise potential. Kroc soon maneuvers himself into a position to be able to pull the company from the brothers and create a multi-billion dollar empire. Lord… even the origin story of McDonald’s makes my stomach hurt as bad as their food!
Okay, so M. Night is trying to get back into the world’s good graces. Last thing I saw was After Earth (which wasn’t as terrible as I was BORING) and I refuse to subject myself to The Last Airbender. Things in this trailer make me nervous, like that whole ability to change their body chemistry BS. But I love the concept and Professor X should deliver a great performance.
After a wholesome teen birthday party, three girls are kidnapped in broad daylight: friends Claire (Haley Lu Richardson) and Marcia (Jessica Sula), and difficult Casey (Anya Taylor-Joy). Their captor Kevin (James McAvoy a.k.a. Professor X) exhibits 23 alternate personalities, and in order to escape, his captives must convince one of the personalities within him to set them free, before the arrival of the 24th and final personality, the “beast”.
MY VOTE – SPLIT
Like I said, I think there is a good time to be had with the core concept of Split. At the same time, Vin Diesel needs to stop the bullshit. You are Dominic Toretto and you are whatever iteration of Groot you are asked to be. If Marvel changes plans for Inhumans for a 100th time, you can be Black Bolt. Other than that, stop with the xXx’s and the Witch Hunters and whatever other crap you’re considering. As for The Founder… I’m sure it will be entertaining, but do I really need to pay to have Michael Keaton act out exactly why I should hate McDonald’s even more than I already do? nah… Split gets: